Okay so i actually have a friday night off!! WOWZERZ!! and since i havent seen ppl in forever ive come up with a plan if anyone would like to do it. . . . i was thinking a girls night. Anyone who reads this blog that would be interested in hanging out b/c we havent in so long is welcome to come. I dont really have any plans for the night we can always figure that out as the night goes on. . . . but this is what i have thought of. . . . meeting at my place (116 maplewood st. N.) around 8:00pmish?? and just hang out. . . you know the usual chit chat or rent a movie. . . . sophie's up for it too. . . so ya. . . thats all i got. . . . . so let me know if ppl want to do this or not so i know if i should make other plans or not. . . and ya again . .thats this friday. . . as in 2 days from now friday . .. 

Also i have a whole saturday off too. . so if you wanna crash at my place we can make it a over night thing. . breaky in the morn. . .  just member im really poor and dont have that much food. . but im sure i can come up with something. . . .

So along the lines of saturday off. . . i was also thinking tubing. . .now this is open to anyone that would like to join Dann and i on a tubing extravaganza (spelling??) dont knwo what time. . .but it will prolly end up being at river rats or whatever its called. .. . again. . let me knwo about this one as well. . ..

My email is nikkers_19@hotmail.com and phone number is 622-6343

and if we dont hang out much or havent at all. . your welcome too. . . so ya. . . .thats this weekned. . .ohh and if the weather is bad. . .well then  maybe do some bowling or mini putt instead or sumfin. . . .just havent see you all in forever so its time to catch up. . .

later days

Nikki 

So today i really havent been doing much of anything. . . just sitting reading some emails and getting cought up on some ppls blogs. . . . when i started thinking about stuff. . and realizing i have quit a bit of pain in my life still. Im not talking about the physical pain. . although i do have quite a bit of that lately too. . .but im refurring to emotional pain. Pain from past relationships and pain from my family situation and pain from stress. I think about it and wonder why i have pushed this all off to the side when really. . .well. . . its probably hurting more and causing me not to be where i should be. Maybe i just figure it easier to ignor it. . . ohh it will go away with time, but the truth is. . it wont. I know some of the pain i cant do anything about and i will just have to let fade, but the stuff that i can do stuff about. . well i guess it requires me to pick up a phone and talk to ppl. But im so scared!! Scared that i wont know what to say or that they will think im crazy for even thinking about all this kind of stuff. But i think its time to actually step up and say im sorry or say that i still care or clear up things that might not make sence.

Please help me Dad. Give me the strenght that i need. Give me the right words to say to explain the way i feel. Take my pride away Dad and help me to let the pain go. I dont want it there anymore but i need your help to take it away, i cant do it on my own. Please help.

So. . .thanks to a good friend by the name of Ben. . .. . who came to KFC for lunch one day and started gilling me on questions about going to bible college. . . ive decided thats what i want to do for sure . .. go to bible college for childrens or youth ministry. . .. . sounds like i have a plan right?? WRONG!! Im TOTALLY stuck in a rut!! No matter how hard i try. . .there never seems to be any money to save. . . i barly get to go out with friends and do fun things b/c it costs money. Every time theres money saved up . .. something comes up and that has to be spent. . . its hopeless i say. So the other option?? Move back home with my mother or father. . . not exactly what i want to do. I love thunder Bay and its become my home. . .so many friends and the community of the church. . .and not to mention my boyfriend. . .but what else is a girl to do when there is no other hope. But living home wont exactly work either. . . .why you ask?? Well. . my mum lives in the country and id have no car to get anywhere. . .and my dad has a one bedroom appartment and i dont exactly want to be living in the living room for a year. . .plus there is really no jobs down there either. So that leaves me where?? nowhere. . . ekk!!

Dad . . . . i trust you. . . i trust that you know what your doing and if this is truely the way for me to go, you'll make it happen. Ive relied on you to get me through the past two years since ive lived in Thunder Bay and you've never let me down. I know you wont this time either. Help me to have faith in you and keep trusting and listening to you. I just want to do what you want me to do and go where you want me to go. I want to serve you with my whole heart. I love you Daddy.

Plunge had an effect on me once again this past sunday. . .. with plunge at the church. Something Nathan said once again stuck. Talking about how we should just sit and listen. . not just for 10 min but for an hour or longer. . and i thought to myself as he said that "i havent done that in so long." So this past week i believe i sat down and started talking. . . talking to God as a friend as a father and really listening to what he had to say to me back. It was a really neat feeling. He told me he was proud of me for making some changes in my life. He told me that since i listened to him (although it took me a while to do as he said) he would allow me what i wanted. And to be honest i didnt even really WANT it that bad anymore. . . it was just something to think about. Now God has told me that day that im ready. . . ready to start a new . . . well new/renewed relationship knowing that it's more than just friends.

It's funny how God asks you to give up things just to give it back and when you listen and do as your told you get it back two fold.

Thank you dad for being patient with me, for never giving up on me even though i seem hopeless to listen to you. Thank you for being persistant and keep telling me what you know is best. Thank you for giving back what you told me to give up. Help me to remember and learn from this. I love you dad.

*sigh* So ive been thinking a lot about my life since i've been in thunder bay. I look back at who i was when i first moved up here. I was this really shy and timmid girl who didn't feel like she belonged anywhere. Now. . well maybe sometimes i still feel that way, but i see how i've learned to come out of my comfort zone. . my little buble. . . to help others and get to know others. And yes. . that change is good, but i still dont like change in a whole.

Change can be good, real good and for the most part the change in my life has been that. .  i mean im not perfect and there are some things that i have changed about me that im not so keen on. . but thats a different story. . .. right now im more thinking about friendships.

I was talking with sophie last night about some ppl that i miss hanging around with. . . especially since it's summer again. Last summer was prolly one of the best summers of my life. I hung out with ppl every night. . . they called me. . .  i called them. .  we went places and even just sometimes sat around and did nothing and it was still fun. But that has changed. . ..  It makes me so sad. . . but why havent i bothered to keep in touch with them?? It makes it look like i truely dont care about them when the truth is. . . i think about those ppl quite a bit. . . And what am i afraid of anyways?? I never call them anymore. . . i mean they dont call me either. . but how hard would it be for me to pick up the phone and dial the number and say "Hey how's it going. . its been a while"?? Honestly?!?! Arg!!

This summer is going to be so different than last summer and i hate it!! Im different, my friends are different. . . EVERYTHING is different!! Why cant things stay the same?!?! Why do thins HAVE to change?!!?

*sigh* change SUCKS!!